CLAYTON C. BARBEAU | This article first appeared on catholicexchange.com 28th June 2016
The great adventurers of the modern world: with these words Charles Péguy, the great French Catholic poet of the early twentieth century, honoured the fathers of families. Péguy was killed in the first of the modern world’s global wars, but if he were alive today, he would probably feel the need to underscore his statement.
What soldier of fortune faces a greater challenge than that confronted by the father, in partnership with his wife, navigating the ship of the family through the currents of modern life?
Erupting from the depths of life’s sea, raging storms — seen only as warnings on the barometer in Péguy’s day — now crash full against the seams of the family ark, tearing at its white sails of holiness, pounding against its bulwarks that are the unity and indissolubility of marriage. If at any given time the parents underestimate the danger or fail to respond adequately to the challenge, the ship may founder.
”There is only one adventurer in the world, as can be seen very clearly in the modern world: the father of a family. Even the most desperate adventurers are nothing compared with him. Everything in the modern world is organised against that fool, that imprudent, daring fool, against the unruly, audacious man who is daring enough to have a wife and family, against the man who dare to found a family.” – Charles Péguy
“The Great Adventurers of the modern world,” indeed. And called to an adventure of no little importance: the pitting of ourselves against all the enemies of fatherhood; the warding off of all the daily advances of a multibillion-dollar advertising industry devoted to making us and our children avaricious, lustful, and proud — all of this, yes, but more.
Ours is not only a defensive action; we must at the same time take the offensive. We fight against storms, but for the sake of arriving at our destination. The enemy without must be held off while each day sees new attacks of the enemy within.
And yet, for all this, the call to sanctity remains and is one conditioned to each person’s state in life: for fathers of families, it is in and through our fatherhood that we are to achieve our fullest holiness. Not in spite of marriage and our family will we become holy, but because of them. Our parental work, when performed in Christ, is our holy work, as holy a work as that of any celibate religious who works full-time in a parish ministry, cares for the poor, houses the homeless, or prays unceasingly in a cloister.
There is particular relevance for us, as fathers, in that incident which occurs in the Gospel of Mark: And He sat down and called the Twelve; and He said to them, ‘If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all.’
It is in and through the experiences of marriage, and in the labours of rearing a family, of welcoming God in the children we are given, that we are to advance in the spiritual life. We were called to the vocation of Christian marriage. We are laypeople, and our care for our families, our domestic churches, is at the very heart of the life of the Church as a whole.
Our daily work, whatever it may be, our bill-paying and our bedtime reading, is holy already; there is no need for us to think up ways to make it holy. It remains for us only to remember the holiness of all that we are about, to recognise and appreciate this fact and celebrate it in ways natural to family life.
This is the glorious adventure upon which we are embarked. Yet, how often we fail! Our resolutions seem so quickly shattered under one or another of the day’s poundings. We are human beings, not angels; we are the sons and daughters of the fallen Adam and Eve, and we ache with the bruises of all our own falls. “Out of the depths I cry to Thee, O Lord . . .” and cry we must, but we must not become discouraged, for our major conquest is intended to be ourselves.
All of the pounding to which we are submitted on the anvil of our daily lives is intended to form us in the image of Christ. Like iron that, to be shaped, must be heated and pounded, heated and pounded, so we are heated with the flames of daily life and shaped by the life of God in us.
“It is for discipline that you have to endure,” the letter to the Hebrews says. “God is treating you as sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? . . . He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant; yet it yields peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with all men, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.”
In Christ, even our failures become a source of grace when we accept them in imitation of His humility and courage; even our anxieties become a path to holiness when we ally them with His sufferings. All that we do and say, if it is done and said in Christ, is done and said well, for true wellness is life in Christ.
In light of this, the father’s recognition of the way in which his family impinges upon him, far from being the source of any malice toward those who are a drain upon his resources and time, is seen as the way in which he is being transformed in Christ. Such a man takes joy in receiving the living souls entrusted to him with patience and kindness, remembering the words of Jesus: “I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me.”
Our homes become schools of love for all who live there, a love that of its nature radiates outward, first to the receiving of all guests as Christ and then to the meeting with equal love those who lack sympathy with our beliefs and our way of life. We can will the good of all our enemies. All those who are dedicated to ideals destructive of all we hold dear have a call upon our prayers.
Perhaps through the love we hold for such people, the example we set for them in Christ, we will one day be privileged to hear the words that St. Augustine addressed to St. Ambrose: “I was not convinced by your arguments, but by the great love you showed me.”
Editor’s note: This article is adapted from a chapter in The Father of the Family, which is available from Sophia Institute Press.
John A. Cuddeback | 21st September 2017 | This article first appeared at ifstudies.org.
I would like to make what is perhaps a radical suggestion: we need to rethink, re-imagine, and reinstate a different model of family life.
At the centre of this model is a husband and father whose very success in life is fundamentally, though not solely, seen and judged in terms of what he does in the home. Indeed, a central measure of his manhood is the quality of his presence in the home.
A New Look at an Old Understanding of Household
Let us go back to Aristotle. Setting aside some notable shortcomings in his understanding of the household, the man that Thomas Aquinas calls “the Philosopher” nonetheless expresses its fundamental principles with remarkable clarity. In life itself, as well as in the more particular areas of human action, the good man must put first what is truly first, that is, the end. In other words, his intention of the true end should be the driving and guiding energy behind what he does.
Oikonomia is the Greek word for the art of ruling or ordering the household (the oikos), and, at least traditionally, a father’s duty as head of the household was to excel in this art. The central question that Aristotle and Aquinas would have us ask about one who exercises the art of oikonomia is, what should he intend?
What is the end the willing of which gives meaning and concrete direction to what the husband and father does in the household? In commenting on Aristotle’s Politics, Aquinas writes: “Aristotle infers that the chief intention of the householder concerns these two relations of persons in the household,” namely, the relation of husband and wife, and the relation of parents to children.1
It sounds so simple; but the power of this truth can shatter false conceptions of family and household. What is the principal concern of the husband and father of a family? His relationship with his spouse and their relationship with their children. Through his providence, his work, and his presence, he is the first principle of real human flourishing in its most foundational instance, namely, the flourishing relationships that are the core of a household. Aristotle’s profound assertion is rooted in the simple truth that a wife or child or husband who stands in such healthy relationships is verily an icon of human happiness.
We can be so bold as to ask, if a married man is not succeeding in these relationships, how can he be said to be succeeding as a man?
Our second point from Aristotle is his conception of the household community as, in the words of Aquinas, “a community constituted by nature for everyday life, that is, activities that have to be performed daily.”2 What at first seems a rather pedestrian point begins, on further examination, to shine like a diamond.
Humans are made to live in relationships and in community. There is one community which, by its very nature, reaches into almost every corner of life. It knits together our days by being the place, the context for living together every day. The very notion is thrilling, even though the word “quotidian” – literally, “daily” – has the connotation of the pedestrian and mundane. We get to live with certain people, every day! When a young man and a young woman fall in love, what better can they imagine than being able (being allowed!) to be together every day – literally, to make a life together.
There are indeed human activities that require a broader community, such as the village or the state, but by and large, those activities are not daily ones. Eating and working, and the resting and playing that punctuate the working – these are done every day. And they are done together with those with whom we share a home. This is where life happens every day.
What is the principal concern of the husband and father of a family? His relationship with his spouse and their relationship with their children.
An Historic Transformation
If we are to grasp and address the situation of the family today, it is crucial that we note certain significant changes in family and home life that have been anything but random. There are certain readily discernible patterns in this transformation. And Aristotle and Aquinas can give us an excellent vantage from which to consider them.
Christopher Lasch was a noted historian and social critic who gave much attention to the plight of the traditional family. To many, his findings might be somewhat surprising. Lasch writes: “The history of modern society, from one point of view, is the assertion of social control over activities once left to individuals or their families.”3
Lasch sees what he calls the “socialisation of production” as a fundamental, even if oft-missed, cause of the demise of the traditional structure and practices of the household. In essence, this “socialisation” refers to how, on the whole, the day-to-day work that produces the material things needed for human existence left its native soil – the household. One can recall here how Aristotle and Aquinas conceived of the household as a place where precisely such work was done. A hallmark of this “socialisation” was the migration from farm and workshop, themselves often attached to households, to employment in the factories of the industrial revolution. While in recent generations factory work has been largely replaced by other industries, the fundamental reality remains, as men – and also now most women – are engaged in work that is neither in the context of the household nor has any real connection, other than through the money it produces, to life therein.
It is the stock-in-trade of defenders of the traditional household to decry the general movement of women out of the household and into the “workforce.” Most, however, are mute on the issue of the parallel and prior male exodus. And yet the very notion of the “workforce” as something fundamentally outside of the household (significantly, women are said to “leave” the home to “join” it) exemplifies a fundamental shift from both the theory and practice of household life once standard in our civilisation.
This change – the demise of the household as a centre of production – is one that many defenders of the traditional family either dismiss with a shrug, or even approve with a nod in the direction of “economic progress.” Yet I think it is clear that, regardless of an admixture of genuine advantages, this shift was a blow to the very essence of the household community as, in Aristotle’s words, “constituted by nature for everyday life.”
Why? Work, especially in the sense of the production of things necessary for human life, is the very stuff of daily human life. Though not the most noble or important activity done in the household, it is naturally the skeleton around which other activities spring – be they meals, prayer, study, leisure, or play.
Here, history can be helpful. From time immemorial, the basic structure of the household included a man and woman working together on a daily, even hourly, basis. A significant amount of this work would have been done in close proximity to, and often with participation by, children. Such work in the household likewise afforded both parents the time and context for personal mentoring of children – formation in perhaps its most foundational sense: by presence and example.
Are we to conclude that the chief intention of the man of the household – the flourishing of relationships, especially spousal and parental – is essentially tied to work in the home? This is a central issue about which we should be concerned. The work of Lasch and others points, in any case, to a key lesson from the last 200 years. History seems to establish a connection between the daily absence of the father and the general weakening of familial relationships. It behoves us to consider how we might take a practical approach to this conundrum, turning again to ancient wisdom for assistance.
Toward a Solution
Economic necessity today usually requires that at least one spouse work outside of the household. Allow me to be clear: I am not suggesting that men abandon their jobs outside the home. For the vast majority of us, that will not be possible, and for some, in any case, it would not even be desirable. We must find a way to live according to ancient wisdom in our current environment.
I suggest that we take as a starting point that the father whose main “work” is outside the household should realise that he has a handicap he must overcome, namely, the absence of substantial, daily work in the home. He does not have this obvious and natural context for contact and presence with his spouse and children. And it should be noted that “working from home” does not necessarily address this situation. Many who work from home are engaged in a labour that remains utterly distinct from and foreign to the household in every way other than bodily presence in a home office.
A central way a man loves and is present to his children is by loving and being present to his wife.
How then might fathers who work remotely seek to address this situation?
Investing in Home. The first and most significant action—one within the power of any father—is to take possession of his household by investing it with his intention and attention. The old saying should perhaps be taken as prescriptive, not descriptive: “Home is where your heart should be.” The words of Wendell Berry come to mind: “I do not believe that there is anything better to do than to make one’s marriage and household, whether one is a man or a woman.”4
To be precise, this statement needs qualification, for there are some things a person can do that are better than making one’s household. Nonetheless, these striking words point to a wisdom that we need to recover in an age in which so many men, following the lead of society itself, measure themselves by their success in business or other such areas of life.
Loving His Wife. A critical feature of a man’s presence in the home is that it begins with his presence to his wife. When Aristotle notes that the spousal relationship is the source of the parental relationship, he is not simply referring to the fact of bodily generation. Rather, the character of the spousal relationship is especially determinative of the character of the parental relationship. A central way a man loves and is present to his children is by loving and being present to his wife. That is the natural order of the fabric of family life.
Since most of their work today is removed from the household, fathers will need to be creative in finding the time and the avenues of presence. Here are a couple of concrete suggestions.
Home “Work.” A first avenue to consider is some kind of manual labour, preferably one requiring an art that can be learned and shared by family members. This includes specifically “home arts,” such as gardening, cooking, animal husbandry, etc., as well as more general arts, such as carpentry, carving, engine mechanics, plumbing, landscaping, etc. As children grow older, higher arts can be added and studied together, such as reading, writing, and the liberal arts. It is worth noting that while some of these latter arts are at times beyond the capabilities of households, some manual arts are within the competence of all.
Real Leisure. As Josef Pieper has pointed out, good leisure and good work are closely tied through nourishing one another, so they should be addressed together. Here is an area where any father can take the lead, even when his work often removes him from the home, by putting a priority on shared, rich activities in the household. It will be arduous. Regular meals together, which should be a mainstay of presence and communion, too often fall by the wayside. Common custom now replaces real leisure with mass-produced amusement, and communication technology intrudes into all spaces, making simple together-time difficult to achieve. We are losing a sense of how to be together in deeper activities, and more and more we turn to some device any time we have a free moment. But real freedom is in having habits of being together in richer ways – reading, singing, hiking, praying. A father’s leadership here may well make all the difference.
I have suggested that we need to do more to rethink and re-form our family life. A deeply anti-household cultural environment should prod us to rediscover household life in its fullness. Households can still be a vibrant organ, even if the body politic is wasting with disease. To understand the ideal of true fatherhood – and the contemporary challenges to living that ideal – is already to be halfway to success. Issues concerning the role and presence of husband and wife in the household need to be considered with nuance, recognising that particular conditions can warrant modifications and adaptations. Nevertheless, exceptions do not invalidate general principles; indeed, often they corroborate them.
At the heart of a renewal will be husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, united in the intensity of their intention to focus on relationships in the household and to embody that intention in daily life.
John Cuddeback, PhD is chairman and professor of Philosophy at Christendom College. His writing and lectures focus on ethics, friendship, and household.
Editor’s Note: This essay is an abbreviated version of a longer essay originally published in the journal, Principles.
1. Commentary on Aristotle’s Politics, I, 10.4
2. Ibid. I, 1.12
3. Haven in a Heartless World: The Family Besieged (Basic Books, 1979), p. xx
4. “Feminism, the Body, and the Machine” in What are People For? (Counterpoint, 2010), p. 182
Evan Holguin and William Nardi | Jun 19, 2020. This article first appeared in aleteia.org.
St. Thomas More is remembered for his fidelity to his conscience, but his example of fatherhood is sometimes overlooked.
Patron of lawyers and public servants, St. Thomas More is honoured today as a 16th-century martyr. As the faithful did during his life, many continue to look to his selfless example as a powerful member of the English government, but his strong example of fatherhood is often overlooked and underemphasised.
This year, the feast day of St. Thomas More falls on the day just after Father’s Day. It is fitting that we remember the difficult position that he was in, as a dad forced to choose between compromising his conscience for a tyrannical king or submitting to God.
Commitment to marriage
Many know about St. Thomas More from the Academy Award-winning 1966 film, A Man for All Seasons, which highlights the last days of his life.
Fatherhood begins with a strong commitment to the sanctity of marriage, something More modelled in the most powerful way – by defending the sanctity of marriage even unto death.
When Henry VIII and his wife couldn’t conceive a son, the king petitioned the pope for an annulment. The pope refused—he couldn’t grant an annulment for a valid marriage—which led Henry to split the Church of England from the Catholic Church, paving the way for his divorce and remarriage.
Pressure mounted in England to show enthusiasm for the king’s new wife, and the king required the entire kingdom to swear an oath acknowledging the legitimacy of his second marriage and the king as the head of the new “church.”
In fidelity to the pope and the Church’s teaching on marriage, More knew he couldn’t swear. He had already resigned from his powerful position as chancellor, one of the highest-ranking offices in the English government. When he refused to sign the king’s oath, he was arrested and imprisoned in the Tower of London, shortly to be executed for his continued dedication to the sanctity and indissolubility of marriage.
Discerning fatherhood
More’s powerful dedication to the sacrament of marriage came in no small part from his prayerful discernment of fatherhood, which began long before he was married.
A devout Catholic, More spent part of his youth discerning religious life, even going so far as to spend several months in a Carthusian monastery. But More realised he wasn’t called to be a spiritual father only – he had a deep love of family life that pushed him to realise that God was calling him to the vocation of marriage.
A year after leaving the Carthusians, More married his first wife Jane, and had four children with her. Undoubtedly, More’s experience discerning religious life with the Carthusians helped prepare him to be a good and holy father – one who showed dedication to his wife, with whom he had a happy marriage, and who cared for the physical and spiritual needs of his four children.
In the footsteps of St. Joseph
More’s marriage to Jane was cut short when she died after just six years of marriage. Soon after, he married a woman named Alice, believing his small children needed a mother to help raise them. Alice was also a widow and had a daughter from her previous marriage. More and Alice didn’t conceive any children together, but More did find himself following in the example of St. Joseph, the foster father of Jesus. He welcomed Alice’s daughter as his own child, treating her no differently than the four children he had with Jane.
More’s commitment to fatherhood extended even further. He adopted a neighbour girl after the death of her mother, and also took in another girl, bringing his total number of children up to seven.
When he was imprisoned, his wife and children would come to visit him, even trying to convince him to give into the king’s demands so that he might return home. More lovingly refused, instead urging his family to stay strong in their faith and to flee the country. One of his adopted daughters, Margaret Clement, was his only child present for his martyrdom.
God is first
More’s final words were a powerful declaration: “I am the king’s good servant, and God’s first.”
Today, a new video series, Into the Breach, addresses the importance of fatherhood. Produced by the Knights of Columbus, an episode explains “Our culture attacks fatherhood by trying to make it irrelevant.”
But St. Thomas More’s witness exemplifies what Catholic men should strive for in their work and family life, and why fatherhood is more relevant than ever in today’s world. As a public servant, a husband and a father of seven, More was well-respected and admired. But he always knew that his primary role as a father was to serve as an example of Christian life to his children – a role which, in his instance, required him to face one of the earth’s most powerful rulers and give his life as a martyr … and become a saint.
“A time will come when the decisive battle between the kingdom of Christ and Satan will be over marriage and the family. And those who will work for the good of the family will experience persecution and tribulation. But do not be afraid, because Our Lady has already crushed his head.”
Sr Lucia, one of the Fatima visionaries, to Cardinal Caffarra.
Our Lady of Fatima is a title of the Blessed Virgin Mary.
In 1917, Our Lady appeared to three shepherd children in Fatima, Portugal. They were Lucia Santos, Blessed Jacinta Marto and Blessed Francisco Marto. Our Lady appeared to the children seven times and performed a miracle making the sun dance in the sky, which thousands of people witnessed.
She told the children to say the Rosary every day to bring peace to the world and the end of war. This is why Our Lady of Fatima is also called Our Lady of the Rosary. She also requested us to pray the following prayer at the end of each mystery or decade of the Rosary: “O my Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of Hell, lead all souls to Heaven, especially those most in need of Thy mercy. Amen.”
Later, Our Lady entrusted the children with three secrets. The first was a vision of Hell, and the second was a prophecy of the end of World War I and the beginning of World War II, and the need for Russia to convert to Christianity. The third secret is about the Holy Father being killed with bullets and arrows by soldiers at the foot of a cross, and many other people dying as well. This Marian Apparition was approved by the Holy See in 1930.
Sister Lucia, who witnessed the apparitions of Our Lady of Fatima, said, “The final confrontation between our Lord and Satan will be over family and marriage.”
It was Lucia, who on May 13, 1917, at age ten, saw a vision of a great Lady who pointed to the sky saying, “I have come from Heaven. I have come to ask you to come here for six months on the thirteenth day of the month at this hour.”
During the Lady’s fifth apparition, she said, “In October . . . St. Joseph will appear with the Child Jesus to bless the world.” She also promised that during the sixth apparition in October she would perform a miracle for all to see.
On October 13, the three children, along with approximately seventy thousand pilgrims, gathered at the Cova da Iria outside the village of Fatima, Portugal, amidst heavy rainfall that drenched the onlookers and made the ground a muddy mess.
During the apparition, which lasted ten minutes, the sun began to spin wildly, zigzagging across the sky, and then proceeded to dart down upon the crowd. The onlookers were so terrified that many of them screamed with alarm, “We are going to be killed!” Others began confessing their sins aloud, begging for God’s mercy.
Simultaneously, the three visionaries were in an ecstatic vision, wherein Our Lady revealed St. Joseph and the Child Jesus blessing the world. It was precisely at this moment of the blessing of Jesus and Joseph that the sun ceased its radical descent and returned to its proper place in the sky. The secular newspapers attested to the miraculous nature of the event. After the apparition was over, the muddy field and the pilgrims’ clothing, which had been soaked, were now completely dry.
It appears that Our Lady revealed the manner in which the world would avoid degeneration, disaster, and war. What is the remedy?
The message of Our Lady of Fatima is: “In the end, my Immaculate Heart will triumph.” How will Our Lady’s Immaculate Heart triumph? Our Lady is directing us to the solution: “Go to Joseph, what he says to you, do” (Gen 41:55).
When fathers turn their attention to St. Joseph, and His relationship with Mary, his wife, and Jesus, his son, they will learn what it means to be fathers who beget spiritual life in the people around them. Mary is saying, in a sense, “I’m not enough. The world needs Joseph as well, because the world needs fathers like Joseph.”
Recall the words of God, “And he shall turn the hearts of fathers to the children and the hearts of children to their fathers; lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.” God is giving us the key to avoiding nuclear disaster; the solution for world peace; the key to saving souls from permanent anguish and loneliness:
Fathers, turn your hearts, souls, and minds toward the filial relationship of Joseph and Jesus, and Joseph and Mary, and learn from him and embody his example of what it means to assume your charitable authority to lead by embracing the woman and the child.
From: fathersofstjoseph.org/the-final-battle
Novena
We pray this novena for the strengthening of Catholic marriages, for the restoration of the Domestic Church and in reparation for sins against marriage and family life.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
Opening Prayer – The Divine Praises
Blessed be God. Blessed be His Holy Name. Blessed be Jesus Christ, true God and true Man. Blessed be the Name of Jesus. Blessed be His Most Sacred Heart. Blessed be His Most Precious Blood. Blessed be Jesus in the Most Holy Sacrament of the Altar. Blessed be the Holy Spirit, the Paraclete. Blessed be the great Mother of God, Mary most Holy. Blessed be her Holy and Immaculate Conception. Blessed be her Glorious Assumption. Blessed be the name of Mary, Virgin and Mother. Blessed be St. Joseph, her most chaste spouse. Blessed be God in His Angels and in His Saints.
Amen.
Novena Prayer
O Most Holy Virgin Mary, thou camest to Fatima to reveal to three shepherd children the graces received from praying the Holy Rosary. Inspire in us a sincere love of this devotion so that it becomes a life-giving prayer, not a burdensome task.
May our prayers and meditations on the mysteries of our redemption bring us closer to thy Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ.
Like the children of Fatima, we want to bring God to others. Give us the strength to overcome our doubts and fears so that we may be messengers of the Gospel to our families.
Lord Jesus, the miracles, prophecies and prayers that thy Mother brought to us at Fatima amazed the whole world. We are certain of her closeness to Thee. We ask through the intercession of Our Lady of Fatima that Thou graciously heareth and answereth our prayers, especially these intentions …
(Mention your intentions here)
Our Lady of Fatima, pray for us! Our Lady of the Rosary, pray for us! Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.
Amen.
Lucia, Fransisco, Jacinta
Offer one of the 5 prayers given to the children at Fatima:
1) The Fatima Prayer/Decade Prayer
“O my Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of hell, lead all souls to Heaven, especially those most in need of Thy mercy. Amen.”
Mary told the children that people should add this prayer to the end of each decade of the Rosary.
2) The Pardon Prayer
“My God, I believe, I adore, I hope and I love Thee! I beg pardon for all those that do not believe, do not adore, do not hope and do not love Thee.”
This prayer was given to the children by the angel that visited them in 1916, the year before Mary appeared to them.
3) The Angel’s Prayer
“O Most Holy Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, I adore Thee profoundly. I offer Thee the most precious Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus Christ present in all the tabernacles of the world, in reparation for the outrages, sacrileges and indifferences by which He is offended. By the infinite merits of the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary I beg the conversion of poor sinners.”
This is another prayer given to them by the angel. There was a Eucharistic host and chalice suspended in the air, and the angel led them in kneeling before it and praying this prayer.
4) The Eucharistic Prayer
“Most Holy Trinity, I adore Thee! My God, my God, I love Thee in the Most Blessed Sacrament.”
When Mary appeared to the children for the first time on May 13, 1917, she said, “You will have much to suffer, but the grace of God will be your comfort.” According to Lucia, one of the children, a bright light shone all around them, and without thinking about it, they all started reciting this prayer.
5) The Sacrifice Prayer
“O Jesus, it is for the love of Thee, in reparation for the offenses committed against the Immaculate Heart of Mary, and for the conversion of poor sinners [that I do this].”
Mary gave the children this prayer, as well as the Fatima Prayer/Decade Prayer, on June 13th, 1917. The prayer is meant to be recited when you are offering up suffering to God.
The Litany of the Blessed Virgin Mary
Lord, have mercy. Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy. Lord, have mercy. Christ, hear us. Christ, graciously hear us.
God, the Father of heaven, have mercy on us. God the Son, Redeemer of the world, have mercy on us. God the Holy Spirit, have mercy on us. Holy Trinity, one God, have mercy on us.
Holy Mary, pray for us. Holy Mother of God, Holy Virgin of virgins,
Mother of Christ, Mother of the Church, Mother of divine grace, Mother most pure, Mother most chaste, Mother inviolate, Mother undefiled, Mother most amiable, Mother admirable, Mother of good counsel, Mother of our Creator, Mother of our Saviour, Mother of mercy,
Virgin most prudent, Virgin most venerable, Virgin most renowned, Virgin most powerful, Virgin most merciful, Virgin most faithful,
Mirror of justice, Seat of wisdom, Cause of our joy, Spiritual vessel, Vessel of honour, Singular vessel of devotion, Mystical rose, Tower of David, Tower of ivory, House of gold, Ark of the covenant, Gate of heaven, Morning star, Health of the sick, Refuge of sinners, Comfort of the afflicted, Help of Christians,
Queen of Angels, Queen of Patriarchs, Queen of Prophets, Queen of Apostles, Queen of Martyrs, Queen of Confessors, Queen of Virgins, Queen of all Saints, Queen conceived without original sin, Queen assumed into heaven, Queen of the most holy Rosary, Queen of families, Queen of peace.
Lamb of God, who takest away the sins of the world, spare us, O Lord. Lamb of God, who takest away the sins of the world, graciously hear us, O Lord. Lamb of God, who takest away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.
Pray for us, O holy Mother of God – that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.
Let us pray:
Grant, we beseech thee, O Lord God, that we, your servants, may enjoy perpetual health of mind and body; and by the intercession of the Blessed Mary, ever Virgin, may be delivered from present sorrow, and obtain eternal joy. Through Christ our Lord.
Novena to St Joseph,Patron Saint of Husbands and Fathers,the Universal Church, the Family and the Domestic Church.For Men Suffering Difficult Marriages.
In 1870, Pope Pius IX declared St Joseph to be Patron of the Universal Church and instituted a feast, a solemnity with an octave, to be held in his honour on Wednesday in the second week after Easter. This feast was replaced in the 1955 General Roman Calendar of Pope Pius XII by the Feast of Saint Joseph the Worker, to be celebrated on 1 May.
This novena, taking place in 2020, begins on Wednesday 22nd April, in the second week after Easter, and ends with Mass for men’s intentions on 1 May.
“Go to Joseph and do whatever he tells you”. Gen 41:55
“My Son Jesus, through my Heart, wishes to impart to all men his divine blessings. I know many of you suffer many great difficulties because, in these last times, men no longer love or help one another but live with their hearts full of pride, falsehood, lies, intrigue, ambition, backbiting, pettiness, and many wrong things that are the consequences of living far from God.”
St. Joseph said, to all who honour his Heart and trust in him and his intercession, “I promise they will not be abandoned in their difficulties and in the trials of life. I will ask Our Lord to help them with his Divine Providence in their material and spiritual problems.”
St Joseph to Edson Glauber during apparitions in Itapiranga, Brazil 1994-1998
Novena
A main issue in our life is to capitalise our sorrows and joys for eternity. Too many sufferings and consolations are lost for heaven. The method to sanctify sorrow and joy is to endure them all patiently and to offer them up in union with Mass celebrated throughout the world joined to the intercession of Mary Immaculate and St. Joseph for the salvation of the dying.
Pious Union of St. Joseph: Manual of Devotions for Every Day, Fr. H J Storff, OFM
Please remember in your prayers Catholic men suffering difficult marriages, particularly where their wives do not practice the Faith or support the family in the Faith.
Opening Prayer
O Saint Joseph, whose protection is so great, so strong, so prompt before the throne of God, I place in thee all my interests and desires.
O Saint Joseph, assist me by thy powerful intercession and obtain for me all spiritual blessings through thy foster Son, Jesus Christ Our Lord, so that, having engaged here below thy heavenly power, I may offer thee my thanksgiving and homage.
O Saint Joseph, may I never weary contemplating thee and Jesus asleep in thine arms. I dare not approach while He reposes near thy heart. Press Him in my name and kiss His fine head for me, and ask Him to return the kiss when I draw my dying breath.
Saint Joseph, patron of departing souls, pray for me.
Amen
Prayer for the Novena Intention
Saint Joseph, I, thine unworthy child, greet thee.
Thou art the faithful protector and intercessor of all who love and venerate thee. Thou knowest that I have special confidence in thee and that, after Jesus and Mary, I place all my hope of salvation in thee, for thou art especially powerful with God and will never abandon thy faithful servants.
Therefore I humbly invoke thee and commend myself, with all who are dear to me and all that belong to me, to thine intercession. I beg of thee, by thy love for Jesus and Mary, not to abandon me during life and to assist me at the hour of my death.
Glorious Saint Joseph, spouse of the Immaculate Virgin, obtain for me a pure, humble, charitable mind, and perfect resignation to the divine Will. Be my guide, my father, and my model through life that I may merit to die as thou didst in the arms of Jesus and Mary.
Loving Saint Joseph, faithful follower of Jesus Christ, I raise my heart to thee to implore thy powerful intercession in obtaining from the Divine Heart of Jesus all the graces necessary for my spiritual and temporal welfare, particularly the grace of a happy death, and the special grace I now implore:
(Mention your request)
Guardian of the Word Incarnate, I feel confident that thy prayers on my behalf will be graciously heard before the throne of God.
Amen
Concluding Prayer
Remember, most pure spouse of Mary, ever Virgin, my loving protector, Saint Joseph, that no one ever had recourse to thy protection or asked for thine aid without obtaining relief.
Confiding, therefore, in thy goodness, I come before thee and humbly implore thee. Despise not my petitions, foster-father of the Redeemer, but graciously receive them.
Amen
Optional devotions and prayers
The Seven Sorrows & Seven Joys of St Joseph (can be prayed over seven days during the novena)
Day 1: Saint Joseph, chaste spouse of Mary, great was thy sorrow when, in a state of uncertainty, thou wast inclined to quietly divorce Mary. But great was thy joy when the angel revealed to thee the mystery of Christ’s Incarnation.
By this sorrow and this joy, we ask thee for relief of all anxieties and doubts about the future and to fill our hearts with confidence in the powerful protection of Mary, the Immaculate Mother of God.
Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be …
Day 2: Glorious St. Joseph, chosen foster father of the Word made flesh, great was thy sorrow at seeing the Child Jesus born in such poverty. But great was thy joy when thou beholdest the brightness of that holy night in which the angels sang, “Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace to people of good will.”
By this sorrow and this joy, we implore thee to obtain for us the grace that the Infant Jesus may again be born in our hearts and that, blessed with the sweet peace of God, we may join after our death in the joyful company of the angels.
Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be …
Day 3: Glorious St. Joseph, thou faithfully obeyedst the law of God, and thy heart was pierced at the sight of the Precious Blood that was shed by the Infant Saviour during His circumcision. But great was thy joy when thou gavest Him the name of Jesus that would bring salvation to sinners.
By this sorrow and this joy, obtain for us the grace to be freed from all sin during life and to die rejoicing with the Holy Name of Jesus in our hearts and on our lips.
Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be …
Day 4: Most faithful St. Joseph, great was thy grief when, at the Presentation of Jesus at the Temple, thou heardst Simeon’s prophecy of the future sufferings of Jesus and Mary. But how great was thy joy when Simeon foretold that Jesus would be the Light for the revelation to the gentiles and the glory of His people.
By this sorrow and this joy, we pray that, through the light and the power of the Sorrowful Mother, we may see our salvation, and praise and thank God for the grace of a happy death.
Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be …
Day 5: Most watchful guardian of the Infant Jesus, great was thy grief when, obeying the voice of the angel, thou fledst to Egypt with Mary and the Infant Jesus. But how great was thy joy to have God Himself with thee and to see the idols of the Egyptians fall prostrate before Him.
By this sorrow and this joy, we pray that thou banish from our hearts all sinful habits so that Jesus and Mary may come and lead our souls to Heaven.
Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be …
Day 6: Glorious St. Joseph, head and guardian of the Holy Family, great was thy sorrow when, upon the return from Egypt, thou learnedst that cruel Archelaus was reigning in Judea. But great was thy joy when the angel of God directed thee to go to Nazareth where thou livedst peacefully with Jesus and Mary until thy happy death.
By this sorrow and this joy, we ask that we may overcome all attacks of the evil spirits and die peacefully under the special protection of Jesus and Mary.
Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be …
Day 7: Glorious St. Joseph, patron of the dying, great was thy sorrow when thou lost, through no fault of thine own, the Child Jesus for three days. But how great was thy joy when thou foundst Him in the Temple.
By this sorrow and this joy, we ask not to lose our Saviour for all eternity, but to find Him who is Divine Mercy itself, in the temple of our hearts, especially at the hour of death.
Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be …
The Sorrows of St. Joseph
1. His doubts about Mary 2. His pain at the lowly poverty of Jesus’ birthplace. 3. Watching the circumcision, Jesus’ first blood spilt for us. 4. Listening to the painful prophetic message from Simeon. 5. Having to take the Holy Family into exile. 6. The hard trip back from Egypt. 7. The loss of Jesus for three days.
The Joys of St. Joseph
1. The angel’s message of joy. 2. The Saviour’s birth. 3. Having the honour of naming Jesus. 4. Knowing the effects of Jesus’ redemptive work. 5. The idols of Egypt fell at Jesus’ feet. 6. Holy life with Jesus and Mary. 7. Finding Jesus after three days.
Litany of St Joseph
Lord, have mercy. Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy. Lord, have mercy. Christ, hear us. Christ, graciously hear us.
God, the Father of Heaven, have mercy on us. God the Son, Redeemer of the world, have mercy on us. God the Holy Spirit, have mercy on us. Holy Trinity, One God, have mercy on us.
Holy Mary, pray for us (after each line) Saint Joseph, Noble Offspring of David, Light of Patriarchs, Spouse of the Mother of God, Chaste Guardian of the Virgin, Foster-father of the Son of God, Zealous Defender of Christ, Head of the Holy Family,
Joseph most just, Joseph most chaste, Joseph most prudent, Joseph most strong, Joseph most obedient, Joseph most faithful,
Mirror of Patience, Lover of Poverty, Model of Workmen, Glory of Domestic Life, Guardian of Virgins, Pillar of Families, Comfort of the Afflicted,
Hope of the Sick, Patron of the Dying, Terror of Demons, Protector of Holy Church,
Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, Spare us, O Lord. Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, Graciously hear us, O Lord. Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, Have mercy on us.
V. He has made him lord of His household: R. And prince over all His possessions.
Let us pray.
O God, who, in thy loving providence, chose Blessed Joseph to be the spouse of thy most Holy Mother, grant that we may deserve to have him for our intercessor in heaven, whom we reverence as our defender on earth.
Thou, who lives and reigns forever and ever.
Amen
Prayer to St Joseph for the Salvation of a Soul (of a Wife)
O Wonderful St Joseph, I earnestly recommend to thy care the salvation of ___________. Jesus shed his blood for her; let not the precious blood of our Saviour have been shed in vain. Deliver her from the snares of the devil, heal her from the poison of the world and, I beg of thee, do not stop interceding for her until the gates of heaven are opened to her soul.
Beg thy spouse, our Mother, to place ____________ under her maternal mantle. While this soul lives on earth, grant her conversion, love of Jesus, Mary and the Catholic Church, and [a return to] full participation in the Sacraments.
Where else can I turn but to thee, my spiritual father? In thee I have confidence. In thee I have hope. Hear my prayer, my spiritual father, and take away my fears. God will listen to thee. Ask Him for me for the sake of the love thou hast for us all.
Amen
From Consecration to St Joseph, by Fr Donald Calloway
Definitions of the word ‘manhood’ more or less agree that we’re talking about a state or condition of being an adult male with the associated qualities and responsibilities.
Today’s debate on masculinity has come about because we have
lost a fixed point of reference for those qualities and responsibilities. Being
a man is no longer about virtue and duty, tough physical work, commitment to
marriage and a family or sacrifices for the greater good of society.
Modern attitudes – and luxuries, often in the form of technologies – have removed many of the requirements for men to perform their traditional duties. Modern thinking tells men to detach themselves from ‘out-dated’ aspects of being a man, and sadly equates – and broadcasts – the expression of negative male behaviours with the sum of the essence of manhood.
True, men exploit their masculine characteristics and strengths through violence: to abuse, rape, intimidate, rob and murder. Good men must do their utmost to prevent this exploitation and, on behalf of all men, should ask forgiveness from our women for the uncountable occasions where this behaviour goes unchecked and unpunished.
But this is not manhood! This is not what authentic masculinity is. Those many individuals who do abuse their power, strength, wealth and sexual desires aren’t men. They are boys. We aren’t suffering a crisis of masculinity so much as a crisis of boyhood, where more and more men in our society are crowding around the doorway of mature manhood unable to step over the threshold.
These immature boys are leaving their wives and families because they can’t handle their manly duties; these boys are turning to violence and crime to prove their manly worth; these boys are only interested in pleasure and entertainment; these boys remain depressed and anxious in their 20s, 30s and 40s because they haven’t been initiated into their true masculine roles and responsibilities.
Males gravitate towards extremes. When we allow extremes to become our expectations for behaviour, we turn away from our real purpose. On the excessive end of those extremes, manhood is equated with brutality. But on the deficient end we have mediocrity—being unmotivated, bland and weak. Both of these extremes are considered by one group or another to be the norm for manhood and both result in an inability to take on real responsibility, to commit to a job or to a relationship.
So, having lost our points of reference about what it means to be a man, where does that leave a Catholic understanding of manhood?
Firstly, Catholic
manhood knows its roots
When masculinity is so cut adrift from its purpose today, we need to find some absolutes. Is it possible to reach back to a fixed point where we can say, this is the basic principle for what manhood is meant to be?
The Catechism of the Catholic Church suggests it is. It
states:
In creation, God laid a foundation and established laws that remain firm, on which the believer can rely with confidence, for they are the sign and pledge of the unshakeable faithfulness of God’s covenant. For his part man must remain faithful to this foundation, and respect the laws which the Creator has written into it. [CCC 346]
So, what firm laws did the Creator write into the foundation of manhood? Let’s go back to the beginning, to Genesis. Here are the laws: God told Adam to procreate (be fruitful and multiply); God gave him primacy or dominion over creation; He told him to protect (to keep or guard) His creatures and the creation covenant, and to provide for himself and his people (to till the land). Procreation, primacy, provision and protection. Those are the laws stitched into the fabric of manhood.
And what does that still mean for men today? Scott Hahn develops this in his book, A Father Who Keeps His Promises, by stating that God’s first and foundational covenant was a marriage covenant between Adam and Eve, the first couple. The fruit of their covenant love was children. It means that men are meant to be a father of a family (biological or spiritual); men are meant to lead that family, to provide for them and to protect them, within the covenant of love established by God. By default, fatherhood also means commitment, responsibility and fidelity.
Those are your absolutes for being a man. Manhood is not
defined by occupation but by vocation.
Catholic manhood knows its reason
Why is it that men are created to be fathers? Pope St John Paul II tells us in Familiaris Consortio that human fatherhood is meant to ‘reveal and relive on earth the very fatherhood of God’ [FC 25].
What does this mean? It means that we men have the inconceivably terrifying and breath-taking task of transmitting the reality of God’s paternity to others – specifically to the children in our care – so that they come to know who God the Father is! Through us! God has let us loose with His paternity! We are the primary manner by which others upon this earth come to know God the Father.
The human father is a link between God the Father and His children. He is the voice of the Father that our children cannot hear, the face of the Father that our children cannot see, and the touch of the Father that our children cannot feel. If fathers turn their hearts to their children, their children will turn their hearts to God. If fathers listen to their children, their children will know the listening heart of God. If fathers show mercy to their children, their children will discover the merciful heart of God. The human father is indeed the visible icon of the heavenly Father.
Why do we so desire a father’s approval? Because we want to be approved by God the Father. Conversely, when we struggle with our belief in the presence of God, in the love of God and in the faithfulness of God, it is because we have struggled to see presence, love and faithfulness in our own fathers.
Paul Vitz, in his book, Faith
of the Fatherless: The Psychology of Atheism, discovers a startling
pattern: atheism arises in people with absent, deceased or abusive fathers. Disappointment
in one’s earthly father frequently leads to a rejection of God. By contrast, prominent
defenders of religious belief – and he includes Blaise Pascal, John Henry
Newman and G.K. Chesterton – were blessed with attentive, loving and caring
fathers.
Look around at the world today. An increasingly fatherless world is an increasingly secular world. Look at the absence of men in church, and the ease with which their children disappear from it once they hit their teens. Look at the research which shows that, if the father is the primary church-goer and living example of faith, his children have a greater likelihood of practising the faith into adulthood than even if both father and mother regularly practise their faith. Where just the mother attends church, there is the least likelihood that the children will continue practising their faith into adulthood.
Why? Echoing St John Paul the Great, Cardinal Ratzinger provides an answer:
“Human fatherhood gives us an anticipation of what [God the Father] is. But when this fatherhood does not exist, when it is experienced only as a biological phenomenon, without its human and spiritual dimension, all statements about God the Father are empty…” [Palermo, 2000]
‘Fatherhood experienced only as a biological phenomenon’: this is sex without considering the consequences, feckless fathers leaving behind single mothers, sperm donors turning fatherhood into a commercial transaction. Any biological act that is not followed up with the commitment and duty of fatherhood.
‘All statements about God the Father are empty’: how can we say that God the Father is good, when our own father abused us? How can we say that God the Father is loving, when our own father left us when we were children?
Cardinal Ratzinger continues:
“The crisis of fatherhood we are living today is an element, perhaps the most important, threatening man in his humanity. The dissolution of fatherhood and motherhood is linked to the dissolution of our being sons and daughters.”
Interestingly, one of the antonyms of ‘dissolution’ is ‘inauguration’. It’s a wonderful thing that true manhood helps inaugurate – invest or initiate – others into the family of God. It’s a very majestic term and a very stately activity. Indeed, St Paul says, “I bow my knees before the Father, from whom all paternity in heaven and on earth takes its name”.
Catholic manhood knows its responsibilities
Let’s return to St John Paul the Great and the quote from Familiaris Consortio. Here is the line in context:
“In revealing and in reliving on earth the very fatherhood of God, a man is called upon to ensure the harmonious and united development of all the members of the family: he will perform this task by exercising generous responsibility for the life conceived under the heart of the mother, by a more solicitous commitment to education, a task he shares with his wife, by work which is never a cause of division in the family but promotes its unity and stability, and by means of the witness he gives of an adult Christian life which effectively introduces the children into the living experience of Christ and the Church.”
Let’s pick this apart for the next few paragraphs. What actual duties of mature Catholic men are described here?
He ensures the harmonious and united development of all the members of the family
A Catholic father corrects, disciplines, teaches, treats everyone justly and with fairness; he exhorts, encourages and provides opportunities to experience new things in life. He allocates chores and duties and provides rewards and celebrations. He looks for the strengths in his children and develops them; he looks for their weaknesses and strengthens them. He establishes a family culture, family times and seasons and helps to contain any extremes in the ebb and flow of family life.
He exercises generous responsibility for the life conceived under the heart of the mother
A Catholic father is present and committed. He welcomes conception. He kicks his selfish boyish habits and gives the ensuing time and energy to his family. He settles the baby, feeds it, wipes its bum and changes its nappy. He gets down on the floor to play; he takes the children into the garden, the workshop, the countryside; the resources he has and the money he earns he pours into their needs rather than his own.
He has a solicitous commitment to education
A boy’s successful transition to manhood comes about from learning how to be a man from other men, and then having his masculinity affirmed by those men. A girl will learn likewise from her mother. In practical matters, a father and a mother should teach skills and virtues necessary for the rounded education of both sons and daughters.
However, it is in spiritual matters that the father has a primary responsibility to educate.
St Augustine emphasises the father’s spiritual headship of his family in his Sermons on Selected Lessons of the New Testament. He goes so far as to compare the father’s role in the home to that of bishops in the Church:
“Discharge our office in your own houses. A bishop is called from hence, because he superintends, because he takes care and attends to others. To every man, then, if he is the head of his own house, ought the office of the Episcopate to belong, to take care how his household believe, that none of them fall into heresy, neither wife, nor son, nor daughter… Do not neglect, then, the least of those belonging to you; look after the salvation of all your household with all vigilance”. [SSL XLIV]
Or St Paul to the Corinthians,
if you like:
“Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love” (1 Corinthians 16: 13-14).
His work should never be a cause of division in the family but promotes its unity and stability
The modern working world doesn’t make it easy for us, but a Catholic father will try to find a job close to home, a career that allows flexible hours or opportunities to work from home. He will make prudent decisions about how much overtime he does, about how much travel he undertakes, about whether the extra cash from that promotion is really worth the additional hours away from the family. Men have a tendency to define and affirm their masculinity by their careers and incomes, or use their hard work to excuse their lack of presence to their families. Man is not defined by occupation but by vocation.
He gives witness of an adult Christian life
An adult Christian life is a life of virtue. Did you know that the Latin word for man is vir, which is at the root of the words virtue and virility? In using vir to denote ‘a man’ it also implies those qualities and properties which constitute a man. Vir is used in the Latin as a term of respect and it often signifies, emphatically, a hero.
Virtue and virility are the core foundations of becoming an authentic adult Catholic man. Virtue is about being a good man, and virility is about being good at being a man. Virtue is what makes virility noble. Virility is what makes virtue active.
Aristotle’s Golden Mean states that any virtue – let’s take courage as an example – sits between two extremes: a deficient vice and an excessive vice. The deficient side of courage would therefore be cowardice and the excessive side, recklessness.
Giving witness to an adult Christian life is a continuous, heroic determination to move away from those extremes and towards virtue – or, as The Catechism of the Catholic Church defines it, “a habitual and firm disposition to do the good.”
Virility brings us back to the four divinely appointed
laws of primacy, procreation, provision and protection and to some extent also describes
our capacity in each area. The
degree to which we have developed our capability in all four roles is the
degree to which we might be considered virile, or good at being a man.
He introduces the children into the living experience of Christ and the Church.
What
is the living experience of Christ and the Church? It is the unrestrained,
limitless, unbidden and unprompted, gratuitous abandonment and sublimation of
oneself and one’s own desires for the good of another. In short, complete
self-sacrifice.
And how does a father introduce his children into this living experience? Through his love of their mother.
Marriage, as someone once said, is an ongoing, vivid illustration of what it costs to love an imperfect person unconditionally … Just as Christ loves us. Through a selfless love of their mother, the father shows his children how Christ loves us and His Church. As the Venerable Fulton Sheen says, “Suffering and responsibility – these are the hallmarks of masculinity”.
And it ain’t easy – my wife can be as annoying as hell, and I struggled for many years of our marriage expecting her to love me as I wanted to be loved and resenting her when she didn’t. Love became conditional – I would only repay it if I felt I was receiving it.
What I didn’t realise is that, to love as a man like Christ is to always make the first move: to be the first to express sorrow, the first to forgive, the first to show a sign of affection, the first to break the cold wall of silence. St John the Evangelist writes: ‘We love, because He loved us first’!
St. John Chrysostom exhorts husbands:
“… And even if it becomes necessary for you to give your life for her, yes, and even to endure and undergo suffering of any kind, do not refuse. Even though you undergo all this, you will never have done anything equal to what Christ has done. You are sacrificing yourself for someone to whom you are already joined, but He offered Himself up for one who turned her back on Him and hated Him.
In the same way, then, as He honoured her by putting at His feet one who turned her back on Him, who hated rejected, and disdained Him, as He accomplished this not with threats, or violence, or terror, or anything else like that, but through His untiring love; so also you should behave toward your wife.
… So the Church was not pure. She had blemishes, she was ugly and cheap. Whatever kind of wife you marry, you will never take a bride like Christ did when He married the Church; you will never marry anyone estranged from you as the Church was from Christ. Despite all this, He did not abhor or hate her for her extraordinary corruption …” [Homily XX]
It’s easy to wallow in resentment and self-pity in our relationships. It’s easy for men, like the first Adam, to blame the woman for all the trouble and strife in their lives, but that’s a boyish response. The battles between the sexes will only ever be over when we men love first, when we take our computer games, our fast cars, our banter, our addictions, our lewdness, our desire for power, and nail them firmly to the Cross of self-discipline and self-denial. Then with our arms wide open and our hearts pouring out our love, we will hear our wives and our children say, “Behold the man!”
Afterword
Like committing to the gym after years of inactivity, committing to authentic manhood after years of juvenile indolence is a challenge.
Firstly, we don’t feel like we have the energy! This all sounds exhausting! Where do I start?! Secondly, once you hit the gym, it’s depressing how much further ahead other people appear to be, and how much work you have to do to get there. And finally, it’s not until we put ourselves in a position of duress and vulnerability that we find the righteous anger and the inner wherewithal to deal with and root out our apathy.
But start small. St
Josemaria Escriva writes:
“Will-power. A very important quality. Don’t despise little things, for by the continual practice of denying yourself again and again in such things — which are never futile or trivial — with God’s grace you will add strength and resilience to your character. In that way you will first become master of yourself, and then a guide, a chief, a leader: to compel and to urge and to inspire others, with your word, with your example, with your knowledge and with your power”. [The Way, 19]
If you’re reading this feeling the inertia and the exhaustion of what you need to do to be a man, know that someday, somewhere down the line, those innate masculine laws will break through and you will go, dammit, something has to change! I will get off the couch, I will go to the gym – I will step up and become a man.
Even if you are not yet a father, or that time seems a long way off, there is much you can do to prepare, to cast off your boyish habits and to take up your responsibilities.
But know this also, to take your fitness for manhood seriously, you need to be taught how to do it correctly, you have to start light, you need a coach to guide you and to hold you accountable, you need to work on areas that are injured or weaker than others – and you will plummet to depths you never knew were there and rise to summits you never imagined. And you’ll need buddies along the way to cajole and motivate you, to laugh at and with you and who push you to achievements beyond your expectations. Manhood is a challenge, but men are built for challenges
Let me end by paraphrasing a quote from Bishop Daniel Jenky of Peoria, Illinois. Where he is speaking of Catholicism, let me reference manhood:
“The age of casual Manhood is over, the age of heroic Manhood has begun. We can no longer be men by accident, but instead be men by conviction!” [cf Sermon, 14th April, 2012]
Adapted from a talk given to the Catholic Medical Association young peoples’ retreat, St Dominic’s Church and Rosary Shrine, London, 9 Feb 2019
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